TALES FROM THE MOLEMAN !
Tales From The Mole Man
By M. Oleman
I woke up this morning face down in a puddle of Cherry Kool Aid.
The Manor was built when Roosevelt was president (Teddy not Franklin) and the
gas furnace added during the Eisenhower administration. The place is old. It's
drafty in the winter and resembles a large Easy- Bake Oven in the summer. So in
the dog days of August the best idea is to head to the cellar and start thinking
about Halloween. This I was doing when my son, the heir to my empire and
collection of Hardees Juice glasses came down carrying his large box of
soldiers. I actually gave this to him for his birthday a couple of years ago and
So anyway on this particular day my son wanted to have a battle. But of course
All the humans got to roll one six sided dice except for Sgt Granite (one of
By this time it was after midnight and with heavy eyelids I laid down using a
I'm begging him for a rematch but he won't budge.
Tales From The Mole Man
By M. Oleman
I just spent two hours tearing my attic apart looking for a drawing my childhood best friend Steve made of his sister Lorraine portraying her as a matchstick. This is what he called her when he was teasing, which was often.
I didn't find it, but I did however, find a plastic GI Joe missle that I lost in 1971 and a picture of Dr Smith from "Lost In Space" that had been defaced by someone drawing a mustache and glasses on it. I suspect my brother.
Hope everyone else had a more productive Saturday.
Until next time, my "Fiends", have a "'Spooky'-Fun" week, weekend & beyond, enjoy some good, ol' "Monster" movies, with some "munchies", "'Monster...
Tales of The Mole Man
When I left my house for the Riverside Drive-In the sky was dark with Black Swans and chickens coming home to roost. Armies mobilized and shoes were figuratively pounded on podiums. Bankers fretted. Headlines belched and editors puffed. Dark clouds. The smell of grapeshot. I didn't let any of it bother me. It was a dog and pony show that left you thinking in circles. We are after all independant organisms crawling across a crumb in the universe and I had more important things on my mind, such as push-starting my 1941 DeSoto Deluxe Coupe. Which I managed to do with the help of gravity and a neighbor who looks like Yves Montaund from "The Wages Of Fear."
And so, fortified with Alpha Bits, Clark Bars, and special Limited Edition Guava Melon Yoo Hoo, I took my leave to Vandergrift. During the long drive I contemplated such things as the directors cut of "The Brain From Planet Arous" with the undeleted Buddy Ebsen scenes and Von Tumpling's charge at the battle of Froeschwiller in 1870. I wondered why Zasu Pitts wasn't more popular and why you couldn't buy a good Pierogie sub anywhere. Crazy thoughts crawled across my brain and I ranted at no one in particular about the daily funnies in the newspaper being color instead of black and white which, along with holding doors for a lady and wooden baseball bats were among things I considered should never change.
At the Drive-In I arrived early and parked the DeSoto with the Simplimatic transmission that delivered "Unbridled Driving Pleasure" way in the back of the lot by an Azeala bush, then just to stay in practice, low-crawled to the concession stand stopping only occasionally to pick wild onions. Inside, the Creepy Classics crew including Ron's wife Ursula and multi-talented daughter Paisley (sans sword) had built themselves a cozy fort out of boxes of monster movies and piles of t-shirts while Ron dispensed sage advice, told amusing childhood anecdotes, and gave plumbing repair solutions. He proved impossible to stump on any monster related trivia or concerns including questions such as "I saw this movie once when I was a kid that had a monster and a scientist in it..." which is why they call him "the King of the Monster Men" or as he is known in Germany, "den grossen König der Angst Männern". Although he did disappoint me by not having a copy of "Journey To The Seventh Planet" in it's original Danish so I could hear John Agar mutter the immortal line, "Arkæologer er underbetalt reklame agenter for afdøde royalty".
I'll just have to keep working on dubbing my own. Jeg kan gøre det.
David "the Rock" Nelson was not there filming a movie which worried me a little because I knew he was somewhere filming a movie about something but I steeled myself and hid my wallet in case he did show up and try to talk me into buying "Devil Ant 6". Although since I already have 1-5 why stop now?
The movies were great and the Concession stand was superb with a boisterous and courteous staff and delicious food that the Drive-Inners gobbled up copiously. A good time was had by all including the undead creatures which swarmed in the woods of North Vandergrift.
I took my time on the drive home and only saw the red eyes of the Mothman in my rear view mirror once.
Tales of The Mole Man
(Confessions of a Monster Kid)
When I look back on it with fond memories and recollections I always think of it as the Year of the Apes. Me and my best friend Steve and in fact all the kids in our neighborhood at that time were thoroughly infatuated with anything to do with monkeys or gorillas. This was probably because of many late night viewing of "King Kong", "Mighty Joe Young", Bela Lugosi's "The Ape Man", and even the Ritz Brother's in "the Gorilla". Then there was the fairly recent release of "Planet Of The Apes" which we all saw at the local theater. Even when we went to buy our comic books we took extra care to look for issues that featured The Flash's enemy "Gorilla Grod" and the Fantastic Four's foe "The Red Ghost and His Super Apes." So it made perfect sense that for Halloween that year Steve was excited about buying an Ape Man costume.
I was a little jealous, but store bought costumes were heresy in my family and year after year my mother put together something homemade for us. In fact to this very day if you climb the steep steps to her attic you will find a couple of large boxes filled with bits and pieces to make a clown, hobo, caveman, scarecrow, ghoul and many others. But as Steve was one of five kids I suppose his mother found it a lot easier to just give them each a couple of dollars and send them out to buy one.
And so on this particular October day a couple of weeks before Halloween we set out for the local Five & Ten. All was right with the world and we knew things would never be any different. Dad's big, green Chevy would always be in the driveway, Chilly Billy would always have monster movies for us on Saturday night, and the Sears Catalog would always arrive in the mail before Christmas. Our little world was safe, cozy, and permanent even if there were the occasional pitfalls of boring visits to Aunt Bar's where we were forced to watch Lawrence Welk and eat Bridge Mix.
We started out from our neighborhood on the hill walking on the curb as we always did, pretending the street was boiling, hot lava and the sidewalk was Sulphuric Acid that would strip the skin right off your bones. Sometimes we changed it up by adding quicksand, but either way you were a goner. After this we cut through an alley where we stopped to bounce on the Ishy-Gwishy. This was a chunk of blacktop that had separated itself from the road so that it made a "squish" sound when jumped upon. We had a lot of theories for this phenomenon, my favorite being that a creature had tunneled up from the earth and escaped into the woods and the local borough wouldn't fix the street in the hopes that the monster would go back to where it came from. Steve even claimed to have seen something creeping around down by the creek where we played with Army men. I was skeptical, but thought it best to be cautious in these matters.
Once off Main Street we headed down the wide staircase straight for the bottom floor of G.C. Murphys. That's where they kept all the good stuff: toys, comic books, pets, and seasonal merchandise which in this case meant Halloween costumes. The place was overflowing with costumes in boxes and on hangers and of course on the floor as the store was pretty close to a couple of schools and got a lot of kid traffic. As we excitedly looked through the monsters and super-heroes Steve made a fatal mistake that would cause a brawl and bring capricious, adult punishment down upon our heads: he picked up a Fairy Princess costume that was mixed in with the good stuff and, just to get it out of the way stuck it under his arm.
Timing is everything in life, and as fate would have it this is when our enemies chose to show up. I don't remember the bully's name, but we called him something like Rat or Butchy. He didn't go to our school, but always managed to show up in our territory. He had his Lieutenant with him (we actually referred to him as that) and his toady who we called Froggy, an irony that escaped us at the time.
"Ooooh, nice Fairy Princess costume, Steve", said the bully.
"Yeah, nice!" chimed in Froggy who never really had anything original to say. The Lieutenant laughed and did some kind of ballet move that made him look ridiculous but drove his point home with deadly accuracy.
Steve dropped the costume and started to yell. He was a redhead and had a fierce temper and when he was angry this caused his face to turn a shade of red and purple that was not found anywhere in nature at that time, except maybe deep inside a volcano or on another planet. I stepped back and went into my combat stance and prepared to deliver my signature fighting move which was closing my eyes and flailing both arms in a propeller type movement that was just as likely to harm friend as well as foe. Things were about to get ugly like when the Avengers fought The Circus Of Crime, when a man that worked at the store intervened. He separated us and gave us a good lecture that included such classics as "If you want to fight, join the army" and "When I was your age...."
The gang went away snickering and Steve's face slowly regained his normal color. He found and bought an Ape Man costume and we loaded up on candy and headed home, and all seemed well.
But we exited the store and didn't get more than a few feet down the block when a loud voice screamed from across the street, "YOO HOO! FAIRY PRINCESS!"
"That's it!" Steve yelled as he shoved his bag into my arms and took off running right in front of traffic. Horns blared and someone screamed "Hey you dumb kid!" but Steve didn't hear any of it. The bullies laughed and darted off with him in hot pursuit. The toady peeled off down an alley and to this day I don't know whether he was trying to save himself or trying to lure Steve away and sacrifice himself for the greater good of the bully herd. In any event it made no difference as Steve completely ignored him and went after the big fish.
I took a few steps into the street and someone in a car yelled at me and so I moved back to the sidewalk and stood there holding our bags not sure what to do. Then I thought I heard Steve off in the distance holler "Watch my stuff!" as he rounded the corner toward the elementary school. That pretty much settled it. I had been designated the stuff watcher, as important a job as those guys that held the horses in the Civil War.
I waited and waited for what seemed like forever but Steve didn't come back so I started to head home thinking maybe that was the plan and tried to remember if this had been discussed in one of our clubhouse meetings as Jupiter 2 Purple Plan X or something.
"Where's Steve?" she said, immediately suspicious.
"Oh, he's coming" I said casually munching on a Mallo Cup trying to appear indifferent.
"Why isn't he with you? Is that his bag? Where is he right now?" "Is he in trouble?" She fired the questions at me one after another like a Thompson submachine gun and I could feel the sweat beading up on my forehead as I began to break under the interrogation.
Now we were really in for it. Getting yelled at in the Five & Ten, running down the middle of the street, more adult yelling, Steve lost, possibly in jail. It would all come out now. Our permanent record jackets were stuffed and overflowing just from this year alone and it was only October.
I sat on my front porch and waited. The sun was going down and it was getting darker. "The Kid Code" demanded I tell no one, and if I didn't break it that time Steve got that nail in his foot, I sure wouldn't break it now. I was thinking up elaborate, crazy stories involving motorcycle gangs and escaped convicts and car crashes to explain away everything including Steve's disappearance when I spotted him coming up the hill, He was walking in that slow gait he used when he knew he was in trouble and in no hurry to get home. His shirt was torn and one of the knees was ripped out of his pants and he had scratches on his face. All he would say was that "they won't bother us anymore." When I told him about Lorraine he gritted his teeth and muttered under his breath "Matchstick," which was what he called her and what usually got him in trouble with his mom.
I walked up the street to see him the next day but he was being punished and wasn't allowed out although he did hang out his bedroom window long enough to show me the King Kong model he was working on. I found out later the bully fight culminated in the lawn of one our teachers and involved the Lieutenant running home in tears and Rat/Butchy in a headlock crying Uncle which lead to Steve being lectured at length by Mrs. Staley and forced to do some of her yard work as punishment. They say the fight is still talked about to this day when the boys gather behind the old gas house to trade baseball cards and stickers.
The Ape Man costume was a big hit for Trick or Treat and the mask continued to make it's way into our games for months afterwards. I vividly recall wearing it once to destroy a massive set up of Army men in Steve's attic as I pretended to be King Kong. Last seen the tattered and ripped mask was on a hook in his garage, living out a well deserved retirement which is the best any of us can hope for.
Underground in Pittsburgh, PA
Above: From the M. Oleman - "That's me as the Scarecrow, Steve as the Ape Man with pilowcase full of Halloween loot. Plastic fruit on coffee table still in use at my mom's house."
Tales of The Mole Man
Speaks of MONSTER BASH OCTOBERFEST 2011
I arrived at the Days Inn in the normal fashion which was to park my 59 DeSoto Firesweep in the woods behind the hotel, lurk in the tree line till I spotted an errantly ajar door, then dash inside. Once in the hotel I made my way above the Creepy Classics room then quietly lowered myself down through the drop ceiling. Barb Heiss, completely engrossed in "1001 Reasons Why The Brain From Planet Arous Is The Greatest Movie Ever Made" (a book I wrote under the pen name "Buddy Ebensen"), didn't notice me as I slipped past her and out into the hallway. I did my best to appear normal and kept my furtive glances and suspicious looks over my shoulder to a minimum as I joined the throng of monster fans, Lugosiphiles, movie buffs, and various and assorted collectors, enthusiasts, and aficionados.
At the registration desk I flashed my John Agar Fan Club Membership Card which got me in and, strangely enough, not only entitles me to a 10% discount at Sears but once gained me access to the Whidbey Island Naval Air Station when I was on a road trip and needed to use the men's room badly.
I spent the weekend mingling, mixing, hobnobbing and rubbing shoulders with monster bashers and honored guests. Mark Statler was present, but sadly did not perform his one man show "MARK! It's Me!" as it is rumored he has done at other conventions. Also there was a noticeable absence of large, plastic ants being shoved in front of people's faces which could only mean that David "the Rock" Nelson was elsewhere probably filming "Devil Ant 9" or "Conrad Brooks Versus Conrad Brooks From The Future."
The movie room was better than ever and the vendors were set up in style. I even managed to find a VHS copy of "War Of The Gargantuas" reportedly once owned by Bob Pellegrino. It did not come with a certificate of authenticity but I like to believe it actually did belong to Bob and I can imagine him sitting in his well worn duct tape repaired recliner enjoying viewing after viewing while sipping on many cold beverages drunk out of a Sigmund And The Sea Monsters Mug.
I also purchased a copy of "The Green Slime" from the Son of Ghoul and related a humorous story to him from my childhood about my mother not letting me go see this movie when it came to the local theater:
"I want to go see The Green Slime with Steve" I pleaded to her.
The Ghoul laughed heartily at this story but he had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes and now I'm afraid he will call my mother and tell her and I'm pretty sure the ban is still in effect.
Without Don Reese in attendance there was plenty of cake, even some left over, so I finally got a little taste and now realize why there is such a mad rush to the lobby at cake cutting time and why Ron usually takes cover behind a table. And to finish the weekend off Paisley Adams filmed a couple more episodes of Monster Bash TV, one of which prominently features the West German Army field jacket that I wore back in my Bundeswehr days where I served under the name of "UnterOffizier Albrecht Krause."
The OctoberBash at the Days Inn promises to be the not-to-be-missed event of Autumn from this day forward.
PS: Please no one tell my mom I watched The Green Slime last night.
P.S. - On the way home from the OctoberBash a large, hairy creature ran in front of my car causing me to swerve and hit a telephone pole. I'm okay, but I can't get hold of anyone at the DeSoto plant in Ypsilanti to order replacement parts.
Tales of the Mole Man
A Return from Pittsburgh Toy Show - Steel City Con
I left my house Sunday Morning for the Steel City Con dressed as Trevor Ochmonek from the 80s tv show ALF. The disguise was necessary because one of my old childhood enemies was trying to track me down convinced that I was the one who had stolen the purple goop from his Creeple People set back in 1973 even though it was really his dog Fluffy which explained not only the missing goop but also the mysterious stains in the grass in his back yard at the time.
I walked around the show a little then sidled up close to the Creepy Classics setup. I hid behind an Incredible Hulk comic book (#121 where he fights the Glob) and listened in on the conversations. Dan Weber and Leonard Hayhurst were arguing about the likelihood of the existance of the Great Pumpkin while Ron Adams was discussing the finer points of "Caltiki,The Immortal Monster" with a diminuative staffer named Wolf.
I guess this startled him because he jumped up quickly knocking over a table of Hot Wheels which scattered everywhere. In the confusion that followed a couple of Stormtroopers nearby almost took a tumble and Indiana Jones lost his hat. As Ron was picking up cars and apolgizing I thought it best to quietly take my leave.
-M. Oleman - Address Unknown
Tales of the Moleman
"It's A Wonderful Bash"
This arrived after I had already left the Creepy Classics HQ suites just before Christmas. So, a belated, but heartfelt tale from our correspondant "M. Oleman." So hang on tight for a holiday account of our world, from the dark, shadowy land of M. Oleman:
I was driving around trying to get my last minute Christmas shopping done and was having trouble finding a Kresges or a Gimbels Department Store when I spotted Ron Adams. He was driving a faded yellow AMC Pacer with a bumper sticker that read "UFOs Are Real. The Air Force Doesn't Exist." I wanted to wish him a Merry Christmas and ask him a question regarding when "The Creeping Terror" was being released on Blu-Ray, so I did a hard U-turn in my DeSoto and followed him as he parked in the lot of a local eating and drinking establishment. I left my Punky Brewster lunchbox and my Etch-A-Sketch in the trunk and slid across the parking lot. By the time I got inside Ron was already seated at the counter with a large glass of Eggnog in front of him reading a copy of "Yeti Fancy", so I slid onto the stool next to him. A large, shaved head counter man wearing a Cedar Rapids Kernels T-shirt whose name tag said "Don, Ask Me About The Daily Specials" approached me and gruffly asked me what I wanted.
"I was just thinking...It's been so long since I..." I started to say then fumbled and hesitated somewhat
"Hey, look mister, we serve coffee, Eggnog and pie in here And we don’t need any characters around to give the joint atmosphere. Is that clear? Or do I have to slip you my left for a convincer?"
"Uh, would you show these gentleman to the door?" the counterman said with , mock politeness to the cook and the waiter standing beside him.
Tales of the Moleman
Well, I just recieved another e-mail from the mysterious M. Oleman. Though I don't remeber being in the store he mentions or having the AMC Pacer he describes....he seems to beliebve so stroingly that it must be true. I actually do have a Rat Fink bobblehead on my dashboard. There are a ot of references that you might only get if you attend the Monster Bash Conferences.
Here's the word-by-word e-mail I received from someone named M. Oleman...I found it entertaining and hopefully you might too! -Ron
I woke up face down on the kitchen floor. At least it was my floor this time and not the neighbors. I tried to roll over but found it difficult as I had somehow ended up under the kitchen table and gotten entangled in the chair legs. My mouth tasted like the floor of Don Reese's Pontiac Catalina station wagon and my head was pounding as if I'd just watched a David "the Rock" Nelson movie marathon featuring all nine "Devil Ant" movies. I crawled out and dragged myself to my feet and then poured a large glass of Sapporro Gabunimi Melon Cream soda which I mixed with a little Rock-a-dile Red Kool Aid.
Back in the old days when I was a kid and had to walk to school in rain, shine, or blizzard, and once even in a tornado (I swear) it seems that parents, and grownups in general received quite a bit of entertainment from the humiliations they inflicted on us. Such as dressing us up in ridiculous formal outfits for any reason at all (Aunt Bar just got a new rose bush. Go put your good suit on). Maybe it was because there was no cable tv or Internet, or so many of the other toys and gadgets that everyone has nowadays. Laughing at your kid was just a way to pass the time of day. (I need a good chuckle. Dress the kids up.). Or maybe it was just payback time for what they had to go through when they were young. But, for whatever reason, back then a kid's life was one of constantly looking forward to vacations and holidays, and constantly dreading the next stint in your good dress clothes maybe even as the dreaded wedding Ring Bearer.
-M. Oleman, Bowels of the Earth
"The Moleman" is a frequent contributor here at Creepy Classics and Monster Bash Magazine. If you have similar experiences or comments, or bad memories that this reminds you of.....feel free to drop us an e-mail. -Ron
The Latest From "The Moleman" and the Way We Grew Up
I was in my basement hunkered down under my desk with a flashlight and a pile of comic books that included "Devil Dinosaur" and "Kammandi, The Last Boy On Earth." It was safe and cozy and I had no intention of leaving for quite a while. If I got hungry there was a box of Milk Duds in one of the desk drawers, and if I got thirsty I could always use the hose on the laundry tub. I liked that anyway because it always reminded me of the old days when my mom would get sick of us about two months into summer vacation and would lock us out of the house and yell "You kids are driving me crazy! Stay outside for a few hours and don't come back until supper! If you get thirsty use the garden hose!" That water always tasted the best. Which is why to this very day when I go out to eat I always request hose water with my meal.
So I stretched and filled my pockets with Limited Edition Boo Berry M&Ms to fortify myself in these dark times and crawled out the small cellar window, as I usually did. Only an amateur would use the front or back door and possibly be ambushed by Spetsnaz or a GRU agent or an old childhood friend who decades later still harbored resentment for you breaking his U-Fly-It Barnstormer plane when it was obviously an accident that you landed it in the street and it was run over by your Uncle Ang's Sedan De Ville..
Finally I darted forward, grabbed him by his left shoulder and spun him around, then snatched him up by his lapels and held him against the wall " Ron!" I screamed in excitement, "The Monster Bash is almost here! I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself!"
It was at this moment that I realized that it was not Ron Adams at all but just someone who vaguely resembled him. As I held him there up against the wall with his feet dangling and kicking and his eyes agog I debated whether to let just drop him and run or apologize and wait for the police.
Then out of the corner of my eye I noticed a car slowing down. It was Ron Adams. The real one. He looked over at me quizzically at first, then slowly as recognition dawned on him and he realized who I was, he shook his head and drove away.
-M.Oleman, Deep in the Heart of the Earth's Core
Feel free to add your comments about the upcoming Monster Bash in June (real or Imagined! Not that we qustion M. Oleman's account). Just e-mail us....